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Bulls GM John Paxson and Magic GM John Gabriel lead the Christmas charity drive at the local mall
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East GMs Lobby NBA to Adopt New Season of "Christmas Giving"
Gabriel, Layden and Paxson arrested for panhandling
December 22nd, 2003
Hoping to capitalize on the spirit of the holiday season, a group of Eastern conference GMs have banded together and assembled a desperate plea to be presented to National Basketball Association commissioner David Stern later today.
The petition contains a very detailed plan that attempts to address the dramatic imbalance of quality between Eastern and Western conference teams, by offering up an extensive series of "corrections" to level the playing field. Many of these proposals have been structured around changes already taking place with next year's realignment, in the hopes that they can be slipped through without further ownership approval.
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Eastern GMs attend a free conference dinner
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Magic GM John Gabriel appeared on a downtown street corner to speak on behalf of the other GMs, while shaking some loose change in a coffee cup: "Though I'm confident in my team's ability to come back from a 19 game losing streak to claim a playoff spot, I'm here to show solidarity with my fellow Eastern conference urchins. Can't you feel the festive and generous glow of this holiday season all around us? Please sir, each one of us would gladly welcome any handouts or scraps that the League might so kindly bestow; 'tis the season of giving, after all! Surely the richest of markets could spare a crumb or two for the less fortunate? Perhaps just the tiniest of crutches to prop us up and help us seem more competitive? And Mr. Stern, could I black'n yer shoes, guv'nor?"
RickBrunson.com's On-Site Live Action News Reporter D-Flex took it upon himself to rescue Stern from Gabriel's clawing grasp, and was able to shove him away with a good swift kick to the sternum. Amazingly, the crowd that had been slowly gathering spontaneously started pelting the piteous general manager with lumps of coal, which they just happened to have on hand. Seizing the moment, D-Flex snatched a copy of the petition from Gabriel's cold, weak, outstretched hands. Once again, RickBrunson.com snags exclusive coverage!
Here are the highlights:
- The New Orleans Hornets will be packaged up and shipped immediately to the Western Conference, instead of waiting for next year. The Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons will also be sent to the West in a gift-swap for the L.A. Clippers and Phoenix Suns.
- The Charlotte Bobcats will be invited to join the league for the remainder of this year. They will play an abbreviated schedule with 56 games remaining, all against the East. And since they don't actually have any players yet, every EC team will receive four wins by default.
- The traditional Christmas NBA games will be adjusted for this year, and the foreseeable future, to feature only Eastern conference teams, so that everyone can get back to pigging out on turkey and not miss anything good.
- The expansion draft for next year will be changed to adopt a special "Secret Santa" format. All East teams are eligible to participate along with Charlotte, and each team will pick a mystery unprotected player from a West team.
- All of the players obtained in this special expansion draft are guaranteed to be in the starting lineup of the team that acquires them. Oh wait, that wasn't actually in the petition, it would just happen.
- In a concession offer already endorsed by Dallas Mavericks GM Mark Cuban, The Orlando Magic will be permanently renamed to the Orlando Sugarplum Fairies.
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