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The Celtics anticipate a spike in support from the Ozark region, traditionally a hotbed of football and cock fighting fans
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Celtic Rebuilding Plans Revealed: White Guys
December 23rd, 2003
Last Monday the Boston Celtics secured their second 6-player trade this season.
Sportswriters across the nation have been baffled by these transactions as they traded away their second-best player, proven all-star Antoine Walker, and now have acquired the talented but notably malcontent Ricky Davis. The crack investigative team at RickBrunson.com analyzed these deals far into the night and have decoded the Celtics' secret plans for success: white guys.
With these two deals the Celtics have acquired Jiri Welsch, Raef LaFrentz and Chris Mihm, who account for 50% of the players gained. Rick Brunson .com contacted the Boston Celtics front office and talked with Executive Director of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge (or at least someone claiming to be him, we're not that big in double-checking our sources).
RB.com: Hello Danny, this is RickBrunson.com from Toronto.
Ainge: Hey there. You guys sure are funny. I love Toronto by the way. I fondly remember my times as a Blue Jay.
RB.com: You sucked.
Ainge: Yes but I still hold the Major League Baseball record for being the tallest second baseman of all-time.
RB.com: Can we ask you a few questions about the latest Celtic trades you put together?
Ainge: Sure. I'm always willing to talk about my genius.
RB.com: Are you purposely acquiring white guys?
Ainge: No. No way. My vision in the future is kind of rooted in the past though. I want to recreate the glories of the Celtics in the 80s, like when I played.
RB.com: So, you want to be like the 80s version of the Celtics with all those white guys?
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Boston hopes to unveil this improved basket design at the Fleet Center at the start of the 2004/2005 season
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Ainge: Um, no. You see everyone out there I'm sure would like to have a Larry Bird-like player. If that player was not white we'd still love to have him. It just so happens that I think the player that best fits that Larry Bird mould today is Jiri Welsch. He's tall but he can pass and shoot and he's got the funny accent too.
RB.com: So what about Raef LaFrentz and Chris Mihm?
Ainge: Well, Raef definitely reminds me of Kevin McHale with those long arms and the ability to move out from the post and knock down some jumpers. Chris will never be a starter but he has a certain Brad Lohaus quality to him that I like but he also has some of Mark Acres' abilities too. Chris can also come off the bench and give us some of those quality minutes like Bill Walton did too.
RB.com: I'm not entirely convinced but I'll move on. Why Ricky Davis?
Ainge: Well, we really wanted Zydrunas Ilgauskas but the Cavs were asking for too much. In order to get Chris Mihm we had to take Ricky. He's just a temporary solution. He'll provide some scoring punch until the trade deadline where I can hopefully parlay him into a deal for a guy I really like, Joel Pryzbilla. He's like Fred Roberts and Rick Carlisle all rolled into one!
RB.com: Is that the only deal you are working toward for the rest of the season?
Ainge: Yes and no. I think we're almost there personnel-wise. All we are missing is a whiny shooting guard that everybody in the league hates. Once we get that guy then the team will be complete.
RB.com: Isn't Ricky Davis that guy?
Ainge: No, he's close but he's missing a certain something. I can't quite put my finger on it. He just doesn't look right out there. I was thinking Jon Barry fits the role better.
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