Rick Brunson .com
Back to tha Bench... About Rick Stats Poll Downloads Fan Mail Tha Team Contact Us
ESPN's Rich Eisen's Head Explodes!
This dramatic and devastating image was captured during last night's SportsCenter. Stuart Scott serves up another witty Rick Brunson catch phrase while Rich Eisen's head explodes
Jefferies-Brunson Clash Kills 3, Injures 22
December 8th, 2003

The war of words between Toronto Raptor benchwarmer Rick Brunson and former Raptor benchwarmer Chris Jefferies became deadly over the weekend. This is not an isolated event as casualties have been reported in several locations across North America. All the hospitals involved are reporting a series of freak aneurysms that are directly related to the bad blood between these two NBA scrubs. Emergency rooms in Toronto and Chicago were overwhelmed with the victims of this deadly rivalry but all three fatalities occurred in Bristol, Connecticut, the home of ESPN studios.

"It appears as if all the victims were sportscasters," reported Centre For Disease Control spokesperson Kyle McCauley, "The cause for this rash of cerebral injuries has not been definitely determined but we have evidence that in every case the victims were indeed working on comedic bits regarding this showdown of NBA butt-slappers. We here at the CDC haven't seen anything like this since that time Jose Canseco missed catching that pop-fly and it hit him right in the head."

Last week, Chris Jefferies was the centerpiece in a deal between the Raptors and the Chicago Bulls. After arriving in Chicago Jefferies had some choice words about his former teammate and towel-waver:

"I really don't care about that dude at all. I know a lot of people don't like him. I know that much. His whole attitude toward everything isn't about team. He has hidden agendas, and I try to keep myself away from people like that. It's like he's one way one day and totally different the next. I never really talk to him, at all. On the court, I have to be his teammate, but I don't have to talk to him or say anything to him. They brought him off the injured list [once], and he was pretty much doing the same thing he was doing on the injured list, which is nothing. There's a lot of people in the league who have been here because of [latching onto management figures], and they stay around for a while, but I don't really care too much for him."

Considering Jefferies 8 minutes of effort for the Raptors this season, this quote was considered a gold-mine of comedy for wise-cracking sportscasters across the nation. Unfortunately, the potential for comedy was too great for any one human being. As the sportscasters contemplated all the different angles one could approach this situation it became too much for the wiring of the human brain.

"I was there when Kenny Mayne went down," ESPN sportscaster and president of the National Association of Wise-Cracking Sportscasters Stuart Scott glumly recounted, "One minute he was laughing over at the Jefferies quote the next thing I knew he was violently spasming on the ground. Thankfully Kenny is going to pull through but I've lost three brothers over the weekend. NAWCS is preparing a statement and a warning to anyone daring to attempt a Jefferies-Brunson joke. Sportscasters are a precious commodity and we can't afford to lose any more."

Rod Black isn't funny
Rick Brunson .com artist's rendering of TSN's Rod Black after the Brunson/Jefferies feud sparked nuclear winter
The crack Rick Brunson .com team has not been spared by this terrible affliction. After hearing Jefferies quotes, Old Man Bueale has entered a state of complete catatonia. Since then all Chris Jefferies-related items have been handled by teams of two. Each member of the team is hooked up to brain and heart monitors while working on these items.

While the worst appears over there is still the possibility that Rick Brunson might actually respond to Jefferies insults. Emergency room workers are bracing themselves for this possibility.

"We have dedicated two nurses to scan the sports wire for Brunson or Jefferies quotes. As well we realize that Brunson might actually get traded to the Bulls and reunite with Jefferies so we'll have extra staff on-site on December 15th when NBA labour agreements allow the transaction to occur," informed Toronto Sunnybrook spokesperson Thomas Prazda, "Should either event happen we expect every wise-cracking sportscaster in the greater Toronto area to end up here simultaneously."

Sports networks are girding for the possibility of losing all of their on-air talent at once. Network management have been working long into the night to plan for this event. An anonymous source at TSN is confident they can overcome this disastrous possibility: "If Sportscasters start dropping like flies we've a major deal worked up. One thing is for sure: this problem will not happen to Rod Black. The guy just is not funny. He'll be the only guy left standing on December 15th and he's going to work for us."

Does this look official?  It ain't. (C) 2003 Rick Brunson Fan Club -