Raptors and Bulls Swap Top Secret X-Factors
Other irrelevant players thrown in as ballast
November 30th, 2003
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Mutant Chris Jefferies, a.k.a. The Iceman
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On Saturday, November 29th at approximately 5pm, news outlets in Toronto and Chicago began reporting that the Raptors and Bulls had finally decided to pull the trigger on a major deal between the clubs. The deal cannot be confirmed and consummated until Monday, since the league's lawyers are already charging overtime rates for stuffing themselves on leftover turkey. However the principles in the trade for the Raptors were conspicuously absent for a Saturday evening game against the Miami Heat, confirming that it was simply a matter of paperwork.
Based on media reports, the principle players in this mega-deal appear to be forward/guard Chris Jefferies and forward Lonny Baxter, both described by their new teams as potential X-factors in this deal. Although Rick Brunson .com is uncertain of the exact meaning of this term, we can only speculate that it must mean that both of these players possess some kind of secret superpower that will finally be unleashed upon joining their new squads.
It seems pretty obvious to us that Chris Jefferies superpower has something to do with ice. Team observers have noticed that icicles seem to form under his nose during his extended stints on the bench, that he is completely unaffected by lengthy ice-baths when on the injured list, and that a cold wind literally blows from his fingertips when chucking up perimeter shots during garbage time. Harnessed correctly, however, this power could provide a distinct advantage out on the court, by causing opposing players to slip and turn the ball over, changing the trajectory of shots, or even by building temporary ice ramps up to the rim for easy dunks.
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Mutant Lonny Baxter, a.k.a. Dumbo
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Having had minimal opportunity to watch Lonny Baxter in action, Rick Brunson .com's crack team of mutant investigators managed to get their hands on some top-secret NBA photographs that revealed the source of his true power: his ears. Previously dismissed eye-witness accounts linked Baxters' ears to an ability to generate lift, allowing him to hover and glide at low altitudes. Once Baxter has learned to control this power, it should prove to be immensly useful to the young forward as it endows him with the Micheal Jordan-like ability to fly in for a dunk from the top of the key, if not from half-court.
It remains to be seen whether the notoriously intolerant Chicago Bulls fans will be willing to accept a mutant basketball player into the fold, or whether it will set off rioting in the streets in an attempt to nullify the trade and destroy anything seen as abnormal or different, like Chris Jefferie's hair. However it is very likely that Lonny Baxter will be welcomed with open arms in Toronto, and not just because Canada is a tolerant society and a haven for the politically persecuted. He will be welcomed because he's not Antonio Davis.
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JYD attends his farewell ceremony at the Air Canada Centre Sunday. Chris Jefferies and Big Baby Antonio Davis were also in attendance.
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Speaking of Antonio, in order to make this trade work under the highly restrictive Mutant Player Salary Cap rules, it was necessary to involve a number of other peripheral, irrelevant players who no longer possess any significant superpowers to speak of. Leaving Toronto are Antonio Davis, whose Canada-bashing will be much more popular on the Chicago comedy circuit (Bulls fans, you don't think you're gonna get any decent basketball out of him, do you?), and Jerome Williams, who is really just an innocent bystander swept away in a maelstrom of mutant controversy. We'll miss ya, JYD.
Coming over from Chicago is Jalen Rose, a player whose powers have dwindled to mere mortality since his days in Indiana when he and Reggie Miller were a genetically recombined dual threat able to toss flaming fourth quarter daggers from deep outside. Joining him is Donyell Marshall, a perimeter-oriented big man who once averaged a double-double in the 1999-2000 season, but who is now known to Raptors fans only because his name is fun to say. If this becomes a regular acquisition strategy for Glen Grunwald, expect to see the freakishly short Earl Boykins shoring up our point guard position next.
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