Glen welcomes Articulating Mirror to the Raptor family

Following an intense weekend of rumour mongering that festered across internet news outlets and hoops forums, Raptors fans were relieved and elated to find out Monday morning that General Manager Glen Grunwald had finally come through with a dramatically brilliant cap-busting maneuver.

"I wish that intoxicating thrill I always get from negotiating trades involving gigantic, unwieldy contracts could last forever!" exclaimed Glen Grunwald in a recent phone interview with Rick Brunson .com. "Unfortunately, the high didn't last this time, and I started getting really nervous about the fact that Jalen Rose's game ain't much better than Mo-Pete's these days, and he costs 14 million bucks! Oooo, I feel a flashback coming on again!"

Grunwald went on to explain the deal he was able to reach instead: "John Paxson and I went through a number of different configurations before we finally came up with the winning combination. First I tried offering him a lifetime supply of ketchup chips, but he was only offering polish sausages in return. I can get those right outside the ACC! So instead I offered to drive down there personally with a truckload of genuine Canadian road salt for the winter, if he'd agree to become my friend. And he said no! Can you believe that?

"But in the end we did finally agree on a deal, in principle. I promised to keep blowing smoke up everyone's ass for a few more days to drive the fans and media crazy, in exchange for one of those cool magnifying mirrors that I can use when I'm cutting my own hair. Left handed, yet!"

Rick Brunson .com is definitely the first news outlet to report that there is a subtle advantage to be gained from MLSE's habit of abandoning trades as soon as they become leaked to the media. This irrational behaviour has driven Raptors fans city-wide to start mangling their Vince Carter Mr. Big bobblehead dolls (if they hadn't already), but we think that's because they're all the "glass is half empty" kind of fans.

Toronto GM Glen Grunwald came to his senses before the blockbuster Ketchup/Polish Sausage trade was complete with Chicago

Those of us at RB.com are obviously the "glass is half full" type of fans, and we see an opportunity here we can't pass up. If we start generating a steady stream of rumours regarding trades we would hate to see, we can essentially guarantee that they'll never come to pass!

So, overheard in the Rick Brunson .com offices:

"I'm hearing that Ricky Davis and Michael Stewart on the Cavs are totally available and that GM Jim Paxson is just drooling over the possibility of Antonio Davis replacing Mihm in their lineup. Plus Ricky is a true character guy with a reliable shot who also brings in the same last name, and Yogi is a known quantity who's got just 1 year left on his contract! I smell a deal!"

"Yeah, well I'm hearing that Othella Harrington of the Knicks might be sleeping in Raptors pyjamas he's so excited about the possibility of a trade to Toronto. I mean, that's what we need! More guys who have got no skill but really want to be here! I suppose we'd be forcing Mo Pete to give up that custom car business he runs here, but hey, we'd still have JYD! That would give us two virtually unstoppable forces in the paint. You would never see these two guys blow a layup!"

"Sure, but have you heard that the Raptors are also trying to throw Rick Brunson into absolutely every deal they propose? Apparently they don't think he's contributing much, and are hoping that if they send him packing they can get the Rick Brunson .com monkey off the team's back. Good luck with that!"