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World Health Organization
WHO Lifts Toronto Travel Advisory
City Now Free Of Brunsonic Plague
November 15th, 2003

The World Health Organization is scrapping its warning to travellers to stay away from Toronto. But, the UN organization said it would be watching to see that more stringent airport screening measures are put in place.

"We will be lifting the travel advisory for Toronto, Canada, effective tomorrow," WHO director Gro Harlem Brundtland told a news conference in Geneva Tuesday.

"However, I need to remind you that Toronto still has an outbreak of Left Quadriceps Contusion or LQC and the lifting of this travel advisory does not change the reality that Toronto has a status as 'an affected area'," she said.

Brundtland said Toronto now meets all four criteria:

  • the magnitude of probable LQC cases has decreased;
  • it has been 20 days since the last new case of community transmission;
  • there are no new confirmed export cases out of Toronto or Canada;
  • and it's only a fucking bruise.

The WHO is asking that Toronto and Canada implement more stringent screening measures to ensure, including bringing in the infrared cameras, conducting more thorough interviews of passengers at airport check-ins, and outlawing towel-snapping in the showers.

"To minimize the risk of the export of LQC, we ask that all affected areas implement the recommended proactive screening and measures done by interviewing passengers at the airport check-in," Brundtland said.

The change in the advisory came just hours after a delegation, led by Ontario Health Minister George Smitherman, met with Brundtland. Smitherman and his team were in Geneva to try to convince the WHO to lift the advisory, slapped on Toronto two weeks ago. The LQC crisis was the first one to test the new Health Minister.

Director General
"I am from the land of chocolate!"

Following the announcement, Smitherman applauded the efforts of health-care workers in battling LQC. He said the decision by the WHO "is a particular testament to the hard work of Toronto and Ontario health-care workers. They put their lives on the line to apply an untold number of Jimmy Neutron Glow In The Dark Band-Aids to help the victims of this terrible affliction."

He also assured the world that Ontario would work to ensure LQC was contained. Smitherman said the city of Toronto is open for business and would survive this stigma.

"I would say to you that Rick Brunson, Patient Zero, is a very resilient person," he said. "He is ready to sit on the bench once again - not just in a business suit but in an authentic Raptor uniform!"

Does this look official?  It ain't. (C) 2003 Rick Brunson Fan Club -