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Sportscasters Call Emergency Meeting
Implore HipHop Nation For More Street Lingo
November 5th, 2003
In a surprise move the National Association of Wise-Cracking Sportscasters, or NAWCS, has called a mandatory emergency meeting of all members. NAWCS President Stuart Scott ordered all of his brethren to attend the meeting in the Las Vegas convention centre. At the time the meeting was called there weren't many details other than that the NAWCS membership were troubled over some recent sporting trends.
The crack investigative staff of Rick Brunson .com has since learned that the meeting was called to address a singular concern, that being the offensive ineptitude of the NBA early in this regular season and the lack of colourful phrases to describe such atrocious basketball skills. Mike Toth from Sportsnet elaborates, "There are plenty of hip ways to describe a 3-pointer like 'He hits the trifecta' or 'Carter from downtown' or 'Miller swishes the money-ball.' But how many different times can you say brick in a telecast without becoming repetitive? I mean, you can say 'clang' too but really we're starting to stretch."
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Las Vegas Played Host to the Recent Emergency Meeting of the NAWCS
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The situation had been building for a couple of seasons now but finally came to a head Tuesday night when sportscasters around the nation were forced to comment upon "highlights" of the Pacers-Nuggets game that ended in a 71-60 victory for Indiana. Word has it that many sportscasters wept openly during this portion of their broadcasts.
"I had already used the '24-second clock must have been broken' gag on the weekend for that Minnesota-Toronto stinker. I couldn't use it again this soon afterward. I think I said 'brick' 6 times during the highlights of the Spurs-Heat game so I just sat silently and let the highlights speak for themselves," explained TSN's Jay Onrait, "And if you think it's hard on me our video people are practically suicidal. They actually have to watch these games."
Sportscasters have always looked to the streets for their inspiration but it's rare to hear the youth of today brag about their lack of basketball skills. "When I be ballin' I ain't nevah missin' that way y'allin nevah dissin,'" claimed underground rap artist Coolie B. Spurned by the hiphop community, NAWCS briefly flirted with asking PUSS, or Public Union of Smarmy Sportswriters, to help out but then realized that this group was made up of the least fashionable people imaginable.
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NAWCS Scienticians Search Franticly for New Street Terms for Sucking
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It has been speculated that the sports networks might start showing more hockey highlights to make up for the dearth of basketball ones. This idea has been met with disdain from both sides of the border. Here in Canada, hockey highlights and interviews already take up an estimated 98% of all evening sports highlight shows. You can only show Mats Sundin saying exactly nothing for so long. In America the networks feel that hockey is not the answer. Hockey just doesn't bring in the ratings and it only confuses the sportscasters. Fox Sports Van Earl Wright complained, "I can't pronounce all those French names. Why can't they get good ol' American names like Shaquille O'Neal? Besides every hockey game ends 1-0 nowadays. We can't possibly make up the shortfall in sports highlights with that sport."
Due to the secrecy surrounding the meeting it is not known if this problem was solved but the sportscasters left Las Vegas in high-spirits. These elated feelings could have been because a compromise was reached or could be due to the NAWCS charter that mandates a "kegger" after each meeting.
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