Rick Brunson .com - Ain't no thang!

Rick Brunson .com presents: "The Magnificent Seven"
Teams that are doomed to suck worse than us
October 26th, 2003

Each year, it is natural (and perhaps paranoid-obsessive) for Raptors fans to begin poring over stats, analyzing the 82-game schedule, and breaking down the roster in order to make lofty and optimistic predictions about how many games the team will win, and whether they will make the playoffs.

Rick Brunson .com follows a different formula. The one thing our stats gurus bother to consider when making our playoff prediction is whether we can find seven teams in the Eastern conference who will lose more games than us. If we can, then regardless of how the Raptors actually play, the post-season will still be ours. Rick Brunson .com Iron Clad Guarantee

Well boy howdy, was it ever easy this year! Rick Brunson .com is excited to present our "Iron-Clad RB.com Playoff Guarantee" (tm) based on the following seven teams that just plain suck worse than us. And this year, we even had to leave a couple of teams off the list! You gotta love Eastern Conference ball!

Here they are:

1. New York Knicks:

So far this pre-season, our dream of seeing the Knicks field an entire starting line-up of "power" forwards and robotic centres has not yet materialized. But give it time. Ward, Eisley and Anderson are basically invisible on the court, to the point where it's surprising the Knicks haven't called to try and get Brunson back. After that, and assuming McDyess returns, New York is one Allan Houston ankle sprain from fielding a 10-man rotation of:

McDyess, Mutumbo, Thomas, Van Horn and Harrington, with Weatherspoon, Lampe, Sweetney, Doleac and Knight for backup. Wow. Layden deserves a good slow-clap for this luxury tax monstrosity.

2. Miami Heat:

Miami is definitely in better shape this year than last, which is clearly a result of Pat Riley's skillful player management during the offseason. We're not sure how he pulled it off, but getting Anthony Carter to forget to exercise the final year of his contract was sheer genius. The winfall was Lamar Odom, who will be lighting it up both on and off the court again this year.

The big problem with this team, however, will be strength and rebounding. Outside of Brian Grant, who can pull down a few balls but loses just as many off his hair, these guys are undersized everywhere. They've got a few good slashers on offense, but they'll be easily intimidated and take a pounding inside. The best strategy might be to just launch quick three pointers every time down the court, let the speedy guards grab the long rebounds, and then launch, launch, launch again. Hey, it could work! Or not.

OldManB Exclusive:
Bulls Really Are Devastated!
Trainer still clings to fond memories of Rick
October 26th, 2003

Old Man Bueale Rick Brunson .com recently received the following emotional email from Chicago Bulls Assistant Athletic Trainer Eric Waters, who had the honour of assisting in Rick's athletic training during his most recent stint in Chicago:

From: "Eric Waters" <xxxxx@bulls.com>
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 13:21:42 -0500

Hey,

We want to join up!! We had both Rick and Doug in camp and loved them both.

We miss Doug's smile and Rick's scowl, although the latter was funny as hell AND he had some great games for us. So here we are. New fans of Rick Brunson .com.

Let the ballin' begin as we see them tomorrow night. It's Rick the tutor vs. Jamal Crawford his former pupil....stay tuned.

Eric Waters

Wow. Such heartfelt words, and our warmest welcome extended to you! How lucky are we to have the pleasure of filling the void in Eric's heart created by the loss of Brunson's jokes, by providing him with jokes about Rick Brunson?

Can you feel the love all around us? Let's all hold hands and sing a song of praise, shall we?

3. Washington Wizards:

Out from MJ's thumb, the Wizards can now barely field an entire lineup whose years of game time add up to what Jordan brought. Gilbert Arenas was a nice pick-up, but no matter how you try to re-package the Washington Youth Movement ("athletic", "explosive", "uncoachable"), you just can't replace real experience in this league. Guys like Kwame Brown won't get it done this year.

The few guys who actually have more than two years under their belts are a pretty pathetic group: Larry Hughes is referred to as a "big" guard mostly because of his ego; Jerry "The Jacker" Stackhouse has gone under the knife and will be wobbly for months; calling Chris Whitney "streaky" flatters him; and what joke hasn't been made about Christian Laettner?

4. Cleveland Cavaliers:

Sure, they won the draft this year. And yes, they probably picked up a star in the making. But Bron-Bron might want to consider making Habitat for Humanities his charity of choice because for now he's just an athletic brick-layer. He, Ricky Davis and Darius Miles will get along great! And build entire apartment complexes at the same time.

Beyond that, there is only one thing you need to know about Cleveland's roster: Jelani McCoy and Michael Stewart are on it. Raptors fans know that these guys will be anchors for the Cavs... that should keep them firmly fixed to the bottom of the standings.

5. Milwaukee Bucks:

The Big Three are gone now, and what's left hardly adds up to three. Robinson, Allen, and Cassell have been replaced by Smith, Mason and Ford. Yikes! The Bucks used to be able to convince themselves that they could outscore just about anyone. Not any longer. As a result of the roster shakedown, Michael Redd will be getting more offensive touches (which is a good thing), but ridding yourselves of your best players to make room for an emerging one doesn't make much sense when you aren't getting value in return.

Running the offence will be first round draft pick TJ Ford. Ford did win many individual awards last year in college, but being a small guard with no J is not normally a sure-fire formula for NBA success. He's a good passer and has great court sense but Bucks fans can't escape the sinking feeling that they may have just drafted the next Mateen Cleaves.

6. Atlanta Hawks:

The Atlanta Hawks are anchored by the worst great player since Reggie Theus: Shareef Abdur-Rahim. Shareef can score. Shareef can rebound. Shareef can never put a team on his back and win a game. Shareef can stand losing night-in and night-out. It's a good thing he has that temperament because Atlanta is going to lose a lot. Their great off-season move was to trade for Terrell Brandon's cap space. We bet that move really inspired the team's remaining 6 season-ticket holders.

Atlanta should still be an entertaining team to watch just because they'll be giving major minutes to free agent acquisition Stephen Jackson. Jackson plays like someone just stuffed itching powder into his shorts and lit his head on fire. Some nights he looks like he's got talent. Some nights he's jacking shots over the backboard. Maybe they should consider him for half-time entertainment as well.

7. Chicago Bulls:

Devastated by the off-season defection of Rick Brunson the Bulls made the desperation move of signing Scottie Pippen. The usual sportswriter talk about this signing has centered around the fact that Pippen should bring strong veteran leadership to this team full of youngsters. Hopefully Curry, Chandler, Crawford and Hinrich can learn the same things in Chicago that Wallace, Stoudamire, Randolph and Patterson did in Portland. Chicago Police are already on high alert.

All eyes will be on third-year players Eddy Curry (no defence) and Tyson Chandler (no offence). Together they make a great player. Perhaps Coach Cartwright can work a deal with opposing teams whereby the Bulls can keep six players on the court so long as neither of these two crosses their side of the center line.