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NBA Unveils New Divisions For 2004/2005 season
October 22nd, 2003

Last week it was announced that the NBA would be re-aligning into six 5-team divisions once the Charlotte Bobcats expand the league to 30 teams. A confidential memo from NBA Commissioner about the secretive new divisions has found its way into the hands of the crack Rick Brunson .com investigative staff.

The new divisional names have yet to be finalized but this article will use the tentative names featured in the memo. The most shocking observation is that there will now be 20 teams in the Eastern Conference and only 10 in the West. According to the new NBA geography the Eastern Conference will have four divisions - Irrelevant, Crappy, Boring & You Never Know.

Southern California gangs the Crips and Bloods will re-distribute territory in 2004 to coincide with the NBA's new divisional boundaries

The Irrelevant Division will be a hard fought battle on ineptitude between Atlanta, Cleveland, Golden State, Utah and Charlotte. The NBAhas proposed changes to games occurring in this division. They will play with red and white striped balls and the players will be forced to wear tight short-shorts and grow huge afros.

The Crappy Division features Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, Memphis, and the LA Clippers. This should be interesting as a couple of teams are on their way up and a couple are on their way down. Either way they'll each be fighting for the 32 wins it will take to earn the divisional crown.

The Boring Division will give fans of the defence-first/offence-stinks brand of basketball a season-long thrill-ride. Toronto, New York, Detroit, Indiana, and Miami will all put their best bricklayers on the court for greater defensive prowess. ABC can't wait to carry all 15 New York-Miami match-ups in primetime.

The You Never Know Division puts together Orlando, Philadelphia, New Orleans, Boston and Washington. These teams appear to have some talent but it will be a wild race to the finish with many double-digit winning and losing streaks thrown in to give the fans something to drive them crazy.

The Western Conference looks to be even more powerful after the new re-alignment. So powerful that the NBA honchos have proposed that every team in the West automatically makes the playoffs. The remaining six teams will come from the Crappy Division champion (as the 16th seed) and the five teams with the best records in the Boring & You Never Know divisions. The winner of the Irrelevant division will miss the playoffs but earn the right to face the WNBA Champions as part of All-Star Saturday celebrations.

NBA Commissioner David Stern

In the Western Conference there is the Pretty Good Division with Seattle, Houston, Portland, Phoenix and New Jersey. Not all the teams will be pretty good but at least the games in this division will be fun to watch.

The division to really keep your eye on is the Money Division, as in we would play real money to watch these teams play: the LA Lakers, San Antonio, Dallas, Sacramento and Minnesota. You can pretty much bet the NBA champion will come from this division.

Of course questions and jokes will arise about the complete lack of geographical awareness in these divisions but the leaked memo plainly shows Stern's handwriting in the margin stating that "these dum-dum high schoolers don't know their left from right, they aren't going to figure out east and west anytime soon."