A nervous, hastily-arranged press conference took place this morning at the NBA's posh but eerily lit headquarters in New York City. Rick Brunson .com, the sole media crew who managed to attend on such short notice, proudly provide you with exclusive coverage of the event. We bring you the desperate pleas of both Miami's Pat Riley and Houston's Jeff Van Gundy: for Kevin O'Neill to return their missing brain!

Pat Riley was first to take the podium, while someone at the back of the room flicked the lights on and off: "back in 1994, one of the doctors on the Knicks staff at the time made a truly frightening discovery. Apparently my micro-managed, grinding defensive style of basketball was so mind-numbing that it had literally caused debilitating brain damage in my favored assistant and close friend at the time, Jeff Van Gundy.

Riley declined to comment when pressed for further details on this enigmatic neurological procedure, but could be seen nervously playing with a device that looked suspiciously like an ice-cream scoop as he spoke:

"Jeff and I were able to share my gray matter very effectively for a few years, anyways. 'Give up the rock' was a code word we whispered over the phone when one of us desperately needed the brain, and the other was usually willing to let it go for a while. Things worked surprisingly well, until 1997 that is. It hadn't really occurred to us that we might have to face each other in the playoffs. I guess it's hard to think of things like that when one of you doesn't have a brain, but my God, it nearly destroyed us both..."

Visibly shaken at this point, Riley was led to a chair while Van Gundy replaced him at the podium. Using a flashlight under his chin to partially light his face, Van Gundy picked up the tale where Riley had trailed off:

"Obviously, Riles took the brain away from me halfway through that playoff series and wouldn't give it back, and the rest is NBA history. We waged war for possession of that cortex for years afterwards, sometimes literally tearing it from the other man's cranium in desperation. And it was during one extended stay in my head in the 2000/01 season that Riley's cruel brain began to exact it's terrible price again.

"This time, it was Kevin O'Neill, the new favored assistant and close friend, who fell prey to cerebral thrombosis caused by teaching ugly, low-scoring basketball. And so he joined us, once a dangerous duo, now a terrifying triad, all of us trying to scrape a living from the same one-track mind. But this time, Riles and I could immediately tell that things were different, and our realization re-united us in terrified kinship:

Kevin O'Neill wasn't going to share the brain with us!

He said it was the least that we could do for him after what he'd been through. Then he said he was going to show us how we had wasted our precious brain all these years. Then he proceeded to lift our ever-so-precious lobes into the air and laughed maniacally! A week later he was an assistant coach in Detroit, without a single glance back, and without a forwarding number! Leaving the Knicks and Heat to wallow in the NBA's cellar, while the Pistons climbed the ladder using the same fan-unfriendly principles from a decade ago."

It was Van Gundy's turn to break down this time, forcing the proceedings to be turned over to NBA VP Stu Jackson. Speaking with a darkly ominous voice, he provided final, undeniable proof that Riley and Van Gundy were now brainless: "How many times this pre-season have you heard Pat Riley say that the Heat will be great when Lamar Odom cleans up his act? How many times have you heard Jeff Van Gundy say that the Rockets will be in the playoffs when Stevie Francis learns to pass the ball? I mean, isn't it obvious here, people?

"Pat Riley's monstrous brain is now living in Kevin O'Neill, teaching the Raptors how to play hard-nosed, slow-down defence, and getting a few wins in the process. But the games are low-scoring, the fans are all clawing their eyes out watching them, and the NBA is going to hang itself on the inevitable playoff ratings. That thing has got to be stopped!"