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Explosion at NBA Head Office
Reports of Death Ray Experiment Unconfirmed
October 9th, 2003 |
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| Police and Emergency Response Teams descending upon the NBA Head Office in New York last night after an explosion ripped through the building. Residents of the city reported their windows rattling over a mile away. Fortunately, no one was harmed and the damage was less than expected.
NBA Commissioner David Stern held a press conference earlier this morning to relay the information to the press. He read this statement:
"First, I want to thank the New York City police force and fire departments for their quick response to this emergency. I'd also like to point out that no one was injured or harmed in anyway. Nobody was in the office last night when the explosion occurred. We have discovered the source of the explosion. It was not related to terrorism in anyway. The explosion occurred in one of our media monitoring labs and we have taken action to ensure that it will not happen again. Thank you."
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NBA logo on midtown mushroom cloud helped guide New York's finest to the explosion's location
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| While the source of the explosion has not been officially revealed it is an open secret that the LeBron James Hype-O-Meter (tm) has been labouring to keep up with the repeated stories about James and his NBA debut. The Hype-O-Meter is a device that records levels of hype for certain players or trends in the sports world and gives it a quantifiable value on a scale of 0 to 10. For example, the Dwayne Schintzius Hype-O-Meter reads 0 while the "Mutombo Signs With The Raptors" Hype-O-Meter reads 8. It has been determined that the explosion occured at about the same time James delivered a no-look pass to teammate Ricky Davis during last night's first pre-season game for the 18-year old rookie. |
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| Hype Media, a corporation owned in partnership by AOL Time Warner, Viacom, and Disney, is the maker of the scientific device actually known as a hypometer (pronounced hi-POM-met-ter). Hype-O-Meter is the marketing name. Their spokesperson issued a quick statement this later this morning stating that they are working on a new re-inforced Hype-O-Meter housing that would use reinforced titanium. Hype Media was also quick to point out that something like this has never occurred to one of their products. The closest a Hype-O-Meter came to breaking came two years ago when Michael Jordan entered training camp with the Washington Wizards and everyone thought that made them a playoff-contender.
Rick Brunson .com won a brief interview with NBA Vice-President Stu Jackson about last night's explosion. Jackson neither confirmed nor denied the Hype-O-Meter explosion theory. We asked what plans the NBA had in place should such a device become unavailable. Jackson replied, "We have a back-up system and it has proved infallible in the past. Even when Jordan was attempting his first comeback this system didn't seem taxed at all. We feel the NBA's hype detection system is in safe hands"
Intrigued, we inquired further about this back-up system. Jackson was evasive but he did let the name of the device slip. It's known as the "Sportswriter Masturbarometer."
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Rick Brunson .com discovered detailed schematics of the LeBron James Hype-O-Meter in US Patent Offices in Washington D.C.
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