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Entire Population of Canada Up And Leaves
October 3rd, 2003
The American border was overrun last night as 31 million Canadians attempted to flood into the United States. A human migration such as this has not been seen since the great Irish Potato famine. In this case however the source of all this movement falls squarely on the shoulders of one man: Toronto Raptor Antonio Davis.
During an interview on Toronto Raptor Media Day at training camp Antonio Davis declared that as a person originally from California he did not like living in Canada. Apparently his $12 million US salary isn't enough to tempt him into braving yet another one of Canada's harsh winters. By uttering these words Antonio gave voice to those who have been thinking the same thing their whole cold, frigid lives.
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"Antonio makes twelve million and I only make 6 bucks an hour," said produce clerk Melvin Johnson, "I'm sure they still need people to stuff groceries into bags down in sunny Florida."
It wasn't just the cold winters that are driving people southward either. Antonio Davis also speaks for those who find our national anthem not to their liking and can't quite understand the complexities of the metric system. Plenty of other Canadians were also pissed off that their spouses weren't given cushy television jobs by their employers either.
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Big stupid baby Antonio Davis is longing to make a run for the border
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| US Customs Officials weren't sure how to handle the overwhelming tide of people trying to cross the border. Eventually they just opened them up and let everyone through.
"The Department of Homeland Security probably isn't too happy with us right now," claimed one unnamed official, "But, we figured it's just a bunch of Canadians. Once a couple of them get shot they'll turn and run back home to their igloos."
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Thousands of Canadians jam the Peace Bridge seeking a non-metric utopian society
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Rick Brunson .com news staff drove around the now abandoned city of Toronto looking for anyone who might have stayed. They only came across one person: Rick Brunson. He was found inside the office of Raptor GM Glen Grunwald with his feet up on the desk and smoking a big cigar. At first Brunson noted that he'd just moved to Toronto and he was just too lazy to pack up all his stuff again. Also, he's originally from Syracuse and they get even more snow than Toronto. But then his true reasons for staying were revealed.
"Heck, now that everybody is gone I run this team. I'm finally going to start in this league even if there is nobody here to watch us play home games," Brunson gleefully shouted, "Wait a second, I can be the damn mayor. My first proclamation is that every day is Rick Brunson Day!"
Brunson then ran into the girls' washroom to see what it looked like.
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Newly self-appointed Raptors GM Rick Brunson invited all coaching staff, players, and front office staff to his first Board of Director's meeting on Friday
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