From: "Joel Hattis" <sparkboy66@xxxxxxxx.com>

Hey guys,

I know I'm not the first to say it, but that the bulls made a huge mistake by getting rid of this guy. Last year, when Rick was off the IR, he added valuable garbage time points that made the final scores look slightly better when they scrolled across the screen during sportcenter. This year, when it gets to garbage time, the rickless bulls make no ground and the score looks just as ugleas the game. Its sad really. Also, I'd just like to get it out there that Rick really reminds me of a poor man's late-in-his-career Danny Ferry. Beyond the obvious fact his game looks like that of an old white guy, I honestly feel that, given the opportunity, he has the ability to piss off Marcus Camby the way only Danny Ferry could (though, as we all know, it would have to be from the end of the bench, and it would have to involve how much better Rick looks in street clothes). Thanks boys, keep up the good work.

Joel

Dear Joel,

It is with a mixture of sadness and relief that I would like to announce to you and to the world that I will be officially retiring after responding to this one last letter. Joel, your email to me has literally shaken my foundation. My eyes are wide open to the cold, hard truth. It is evident to me that my days as a comedy hack are numbered. Joel, you have clearly demonstrated that this whole 'rick schtick' comes far more easily for you than it does for me, and so I have no choice but to step down and let you take over.

I mean, you make it seem so second-nature! First you lead in with the left hook about the garbage time minutes. Then it's the right jab with the Danny Ferry crack. And then BOOM! a takedown with the Marcus Camby upper-cut (speaking figuratively, of course. If Camby ever actually threw an upper-cut at someone, his arm would shatter in six places. As he was swinging back.) What I'm trying to say here is, I just can't compete with your stuff! It's top notch! And so I am forced to lay my sword down...

Thanks for the memories!

Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

p.s. Wait a minute... did you actually end your email with "Thanks boys, keep up the good work"? Perhaps we should meet for tea and crumpets later, too? Sorry Joel, I've reconsidered. You just aren't cut out for this kind of work. Go find your own goddamned hoops comedy gig somewhere else and stop horning in on my turf! Why does there always seems to be yet another smug sophomore punk sneaking up behind you in this blood thirsty, back-stabbing industry... now shove off! Take your C-grade material and work out the kinks some place else! Get off my freakin' stage and get outta my freakin' spotlight! It's mine! Mine I tell you! MINE!

From: Anthony M Hughes <amhughes1954@xxxxxxxx.net>

Great website...I always get a laugh after reading this. Keep up the good work and good luck Rick!

P.S. I am a huge Bulls fan and I remember the short stretch last year when Brunson was getting some minutes and he looked real good. He orchestrated the team to a couple of wins and showed that between Crawford and Jay Williams, as unbelievable as this sounds, he was much better at running the team. Alas, it seems the team was more intent on promoting those guys than by letting the best player play. Rick can play if put in the right system...

Dear Anthony,

Clearly you are being a little over-enthusiastic, and I'd like you to tone it down a bit. You can't just throw around words like 'orchestrated' with such reckless Walton-like abandon. Never before has that word appeared in the same sentence with the name Rick Brunson, and I am not about to start allowing that sort of thing around here.

Surely you understand that the Chicago Bulls backcourt from last year and the Toronto Raptors backcourt from this year are in completely different situations.

First, Jay Williams was a rookie starting point guard and that's a pretty tough situation. Not as tough as what he is going through now, mind you, with his legs all busted up, but pretty tough. Alvin Williams on the other hand, is a veteran point guard and even though his legs are all busted up too, he somehow keeps lurching around the court for us! Okay, wait, maybe that wasn't the right example...

Take Jamal Crawford instead. Here's a guy who, despite some flashes of promise, really has pretty limited shooting ability and court sense. Now, our backup Milt Palacio on the other hand, he... No, wait, hold on. That isn't going to work, either.

Let's agree that Brunson's effectiveness comes primarily from his contribution on, near and around the bench, okay? The Raptors made the right choice by getting AD to punch him one in the left thigh, right? We don't actually need him on the court, do we? DO WE?

My world is collapsing around me. Thanks alot, jerk.

Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

From: "Bufius Pueler" <brettbutler13@hotmail.com>

I love Rick Brunson. He's so cute!! I wish he would slap my butt!! Speaking of butts I bet Ricky's butt is pretty tight from doing all that sitting on the bench. I also bet that Ricky slaps more than his hand on some ass when he's cheering his teammates after the game in the locker room!! I bet Ricky also loves to take on for the team. I take one for ya Ricky, do ya thing boy! Word!

From: Penn2424@aol.com

Dear Old Man Bueale,

Rick Brunson IS the man...who else can tap dat ass? JYD must purposely stand 3 feet away from the huddle, just so Brunson can reach his sweet booty.

Good stuff guys, keep up the great work......put in the damned e-mail section....please?

Sincerly,
Penn

Dear Bufius and Penn,

Believe it or not, I have to give you guys credit for a couple of things. First, you are not the previous two guys. Second, you really know how to kiss ass, if not slap it.

However, stop for a second and take the time to actually re-read the emails that the two of you sent out across the Internet, with your names attached...

Then consider the fact that we are getting thousands of hits a week thanks to two nifty links on the ESPN site (speaking of kiss-asses, nice try ESPN, but we still don't like you)...

And now begin arriving at the realization that your emails have actually been posted in my little column that is read by thousands...

Are you really sure you want to be sending these kinds of emails to an old bastard such as myself? Well, it's too late, for ALL of us.

I was going to look up the phone number for the 'Lewd Dudes Chat Line' so that the two of you could hook up "one-on-one", but instead I've decided to leave your email addresses unaltered so that other like-minded individuals can get together with you as well.

Hear me now: you don't need a middle-man. Consider me out of this loop.

Regards,
Old Man Bueale,
Rick Brunson .com

From: "Jeroen Langelaar" <basketball_4ever@xxxxxxxx.com>

well, at least rick finally got his own website.

Yes, I am a true rick brunson fan and I love him, he's my alltime favorite. The site I think is kinda funny, but I don't like you guys making fun of him. But I will visit this site very day from now, cus it's about brunson. and even tough you guys ARE making fun of him, I still think this is a nice site. Rick: You rule! I will never let you down!!!

Jeroen from Holland (17)

yea, post this shit on the website that he has a fan overseas in Holland!!!!!!

Dear Jeroen,

We here at Rick Brunson .com are already experts at posting shit on a website, and quite frankly we don't really need your help. You don't like us making fun of Rick? You think our site is only "kinda" funny? Okay, let's compare our jokes to some typical Dutch ones:

RB.com's Dutch jokes:

And, like Vince with his final dunk in the 2001 dunk competition, I'll finish with a safe and easy one:

And now, your Dutch jokes:

Uh, all-righty. I unanimously declare myself the winner.

Regards,
Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

From: Bruce <lblade@xxxxxxxx.ca>

This site from charlotte?? if not, Leo is a complete idiot!

Go Brunson Go !

Dear Bruce,

Those are some pretty strong words. Are you sure you can back them up?

I have to assume that your verbal assault stems from the brief mention of our humble web site at exactly 6:54 in the 4th quarter of the Raptors vs. Panathinaikos game. Rick Brunson had previously subbed into the game at the 8:06 mark, triggering the following insightful commentary between our good friends Leo Rautins and Chuck Swirsky:

Now, I don't want to nit-pick, and I certainly wouldn't dare to pass judgement on any of the other valuable observations that Leo made, but I have to point out that Swirsky made the Charlotte comment, not Rautins. So technically, that makes Chuck the target of your anger (it also proves he reads our fan mail section! Incorrectly, mind you).

However, Chuck also said some great things about us, and later sent along the following very flattering email:

So honestly, we don't really feel that Chuck deserves to be called an idiot either. So that leaves just one person who does still qualify as an idiot in our minds. Yes, that would be you, Bruce.

Best wishes,
Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

FROM: "Gordon Eagle III" <gordo.eagle@xxxxxxxx.com>
SUBJECT: Yes! I too love Rick Brunson

Dear Rick Brunson .com operators and writers,

I wanted to take a minute to thank you for finally putting Rick Brunson into the spotlight where he belongs. Not only am I a huge fan of his ample skills but have been a loyal customer of his upholstery business since it opened in 1980.

I still remember fondly the first seat warmer I got from him which was Cotton Feel Natural Wood Finish #9 (a collector's item now for obvious reasons). I've since gone through at least one a year by emulating The Brunsonator himself all the way back to my 6 glorious years on my JV B High School team in Fate.

I could gush all day about Rick's talent but really I wanted to express my sincere gratitude for the long overdue props to the main man. It would be great to see more coverage of the upholsterer behind the man but the content is still great and I will continue to start my day at your site... For inspiration above all else.

Appreciatively Yours,
Gordon Eagle
webmaster@giveuptherock.com

Dear Gordo,

No, we thank YOU for such lavish praise. You may have noticed, however, that we are no longer promoting 'Rick Brunson's Upholstery' on our web site. Thanks for rubbing that in a little more.

Here's the story since you're obviously interested: Rick recently took offense at our nickname poll, where we suggested "The Splendid Splinter" as a possible option. Rick takes so much pride in the quality of his furnishings, that even casual use of the word 'splinter' apparently sends him into a howling tantrum.

I believe his final words, after an hour of incoherent screaming over the phone were: "You've finally crossed the line, you bitter, lonely Internet hacks!" before he pulled his funding and hung up. Sheesh, where did THAT come from?

So anyways, I was going to ask you how you fund your website, Gordon, but then I actually went there, so never mind. Nice domain name, anyways. Maybe I can help YOU out. I spotted a content error that I thought you might want to fix. You write:

"We here at GUTR are Proud to bring you what we feel is, perhaps the most meaningless and useless sports site on the web today."

I'm afraid you are now #2 with a bullet, buddy. We've been in the papers.

Oh, and Gordon Eagle the Third, eh? You might want to think about taking up golf.

Best of luck in your new career,
Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

From: "Daniel Howard" <DHoward@********.com.au>
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2003 17:27:44 +1000
Subject: FWD: Yes! I too love Rick Brunson!

hey man,

good site

here's some fuel for u

in 1996 rick brunson played a year over here in australia for the adelaide 36ers in the australian NBL

scroll 3/4 down the page and u will find his pic http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/2750/pastpres.htm and his stats http://www.nblarchive.com/1996%20Adelaide.htm

keep it up

dan

Overheard in the RB.com offices:

Hey guys, do we have any of those limited edition Rick Brunson .com silk-screened coffee mugs left? We should totally send Dan Howard one of those!

No, we don't? How about one of those t-shirts that says "I made a submission to Rick Brunson .com and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" on the front? None of those either, huh?

And what about those 'Rick Brunson Is Bigger Than Jesus' collectors plates? You know the ones, where Rick is throwing it down over the Son of God?

0 for 3, eh? That's really too bad. Well, tell Dan thanks then, or whatever.

Sincerely,
Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com

From: "Rens Krijgsman" <raptor_fan@********.com>
Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 19:35:43 +0200
Subject: nice article for you

Hello,

First I must say, your site kicks ass. Very funny!

I was surfing looking for wether Greg Ostertag is left- or right-handed (don't ask why) and I stumbled upon this old ESPN article. Look at the bottom. It says Mo Cheeks thought Brunson was better than Stoudamire! As if we didn't already know!

Well, just thought it might be of use for you. Here's the link:

http://espn.go.com/nba/columns/aldridge/1282571.html

Keep it up
Rens Krijgsman

Dear Rens,

Don't even bother trying to distract us with all your useful links and all your fawning flattery (although we do enjoy it). If you didn't want us to speculate about your guilty obsession with Greg Ostertag, you wouldn't have brought it up.

Do you secretly listen to Garth Brooks at night, and dream of living the hip 'New Country' lifestyle enjoyed by the Great White Hope? Are you into huntin', and fishin', and farmin', and failed dunkin'? Do you force your little brother to put on a Jazz jersey and white short-shorts, hand him a basketball, and then tell him to never, ever pass you the rock? Have you seriously considered removing one of your kidneys in the bathtub, just to be more physically like him?

You know, Rens Krijgsman, you sound like an extremely white man. Thus you are undeniably already 95% of the way towards becoming Ostertag. The rest of our speculation is hardly a stretch.

Oh, and just so you know, Ostertag is not actually coordinated enough to be considered either left or right handed. And you may not have realized it, but this disorder affects a surprising number of NBA ballers. Fact: according to tradition, it is named after the first person diagnosed with it. The official medical term is Cambydextrous.

Sincerely,
Old Man Bueale
Rick Brunson .com