OMB's 82 Heart Attacks A Year, Minimum

Let me tell you a little something about OMB, in case you haven't already figured it out: OMB has a tendency to just go off. At some pretty insignificant things. If you can't spell, OMB goes off. If you don't capitalize, OMB goes off. If you like the site, OMB goes off. If you hate the site, OMB really goes off. If you write everything like you're T-Mac's ego talking in 3rd person about himself, well then OMB screams to his old lady to bring out the shotgun. That should serve as an introduction.

Now, you all know how the Raptors season has gone so far. The team's been embarrassed several times, and won a bunch of nail-biting comebacks. I'm surprised they haven't started free Gaviscon giveaways at the ACC. And although our current record ain't terrible considering the teams we've played, it's a good thing they put that fence along the Bloor Viaduct, because most of you are still thinking about jumping. Admit it. And me? I'd help out by pushing. Thanks, I feel so much better.

So let me tell you about some of the little things that are really pissing me off about this season so far. Not the big stuff, you already know it all. Just some other tidbits that perhaps you haven't noticed yet, but that are eating me alive. Trust me, I'm totally incapable of not sweating the small stuff, so don't even ask. And then I'll meet you later on the recently promoted Overlea bridge for a little group self-pity session. Here, let me help you up onto the railing. Okay then, over you go! Ahhhh, much better again.

Say goodbye to the "relaxing blowout"

As a basketball fan, I can now turn on my digital cable just about any day of the week and find myself a decent NBA game. And as a fan of the game itself I want to watch a hard fought, high scoring affair with ugly dudes like Reggie Miller launching 4th quarter daggers in Spike Lee's face. However, thanks to my dangerous high blood pressure problem, my needs are very different when watching the Raps. A comfortable 25 point lead by half-time is my definition of a joyous occasion that allows me to sit back and actually enjoy the rest of the game, even if it involves an entire 4th quarter of scrub time. Rick Brunson's line: in 12 minutes, 1 for 2, 2 assists, 2 turnovers. Sweet.

The alternative for me is rocking in a fetal position on the couch while watching Stevie Franchise free-style his way around the court and drop clutch shots that go in despite his impossibly flat arc and off-balance release, while our rookie power forward gets plays called for him to launch improbable game-tying 3-pointers from the corner. As a hoops fan, what a game! As a long suffering Raps fan, it's late-onset autism.

So, when was the last time I actually got to watch one of MY dream games? Well, my memory is crap, but I did check the schedule after the West road trip, and the last blow-out we won by as much as Sac-town crushed us was waaaay back on April 12th, 2002. That game was against the Atlanta Hawks during our improbable playoff run, final score 112-73. That game was also a freaking year and a half ago, and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel.

We don't get any respect, or deserve it

The team's performance over the last two years was a massive setback for our reputation around the league, and it continues to hurt us so far this year. Some examples:

• In Sacramento, players like Mike Bibby were openly laughing by the third quarter of the game against us. That continues a trend from last year when our starting lineup was composed of the minimum 8 guys all on consecutive 10-day contracts. Rock bottom, right? Yet those guys certainly didn't score any worse that this year's team... in fact no Raptors team has scored as badly as this year's team. So why should guys stop laughing at us?
• In L.A., the Lakers shot 45 free throws against us, half of those in the second quarter alone. Maybe that team rule is still in effect (I swear I heard this once) where each ref gets to pick a Laker girl to go home with (excluding Violet Palmer, of course... or maybe not). But I suspect the real problem is that the refs don't even expect us to be competitive. You can't really blame them for that.

For the season to date, we are sitting 4th last in the league at around 20 FTs a game. This is actually a pretty surprising stat since Vince's FTs per game are way up this year. Looks to me like the refs are completely aware of the fact that we're a one-horse cart, and completely ignore the play away from the ball. Again, can you blame them for wanting to watch Vince perform solo and hit impossible shots? That's why WE watch the Raps. I think.

And finally, you had to love it when Steve Francis dismisses a 4th quarter comeback as "just a lucky shot". You know, he might actually be right, but it's typical of a guy like him to look for an excuse outside of himself. But the problem here is, as long as there is NO DOUBT in the minds of the guys on the other team that "we didn't get beat by the Raps, we beat ourselves", we are going to keep on travelling down route .500.

So what do we do about it? Hey, I dunno. It's my job to bitch. Somebody else figure it out.

The Raptors are 5 - 1 at home

So you're asking: "what the hell could OMB possibly have to complain about here?" Let me explain.

I have been going to Raptors games regularly for 4 years now. The first 2 years I bought 10 game packs, back when I was poor and I had to walk 5 miles through 6 foot snow-drifts just to get to the ACC. Then it was 10 miles back home again, up-hill! Back then, you didn't need to mortgage the farm to guarantee yourself playoff tickets... okay, enough. So what exactly did my tickets guarantee that first year? One home playoff loss to New York. Ouch.

Of course, the second year was a much bigger payoff, as we went 2 rounds and 7 games against Philly. Vince's 50 in game 3 still brings chills when I catch the classics on Raps TV (apparently the only good games on Raps TV are during the off-season). And yes, the Raptors got me addicted and then jacked up the price, because I go ahead and take the plunge on full season's tickets. What do I get? In the first year, a soul-destroying streak of 1 win in 18 games, followed by a 12-2 finish to sneak into the playoffs, just so I can have the pleasure of watching Chris Childs choke under pressure. And then I pay full price again for one of the worst seasons in Raptors history, with 529 man games lost to injury, 15 wins at home, and Greg Foster as our saviour.

So, what do I do this year? On the same day the Raptors sign Rick Brunson, I call MLSE to inform them that I am cancelling my tickets. I simply can't bear to spend thousands of dollars to sit in the stadium again and watch the team get spanked night after night. How do the Raptors respond? Never known as a great home team, suddenly they start out the season 5-0. They've earned a third of last year's home wins by mid-November. I think the team is doing this to spite me. At least they came tumbling back to earth and lost to Philly, a team as undermanned as we were last year. The Raptors keep finding new excuses for losing: this time it's from an overwhelming sense of empathy.

Thanks guys! I feel justified in my actions again.

At least the East is still awful

My one consolation in all of this is that most of the other East teams look as pathetic as we do. If it was a different year, I might be pissed off that the three best teams are all in the Central, since that locks us out of a home playoff spot. But given the fact that I salivate at the mere mention of 8th place, I don't think I'm expecting much from this year's team.

You've also got to love the short term effects of the re-alignment for next year. The Raptors get to join a bunch of mediocre teams on the decline in the Atlantic (I predict NJ loses K-Mart in the summer), while the good Central teams from this year get left behind to contend with the future that is LeBron James, or even better, get sent packing to the West. Sportswriters, get those New Orleans bug-squishing jokes ready!

Overall, there hasn't been too many surprises this season. The only team in the East doing better than Rick Brunson .com predicted in our 'Magnificent Seven' article is Milwaukee (I use the term 'better' loosely here), and they've been replaced by the catastrophic Orlando Magic. I can live with that! Hell, I'm loving that!

Yes, the playoffs still seem like a vague possibility for this sub-.500 team. But I'm still not about to put a $2000 season ticket gamble on it. So I really wish the Raptors sales people would quit calling me. It makes the team seem so pathetic and desperate. However, if the Raptors do make the post-season, and I have to go out and whore myself in order to continue my streak of attending every playoff game, so be it. I will gladly become pathetic and desperate myself in support of the cause.

Anybody with a fetish for grumpy old men who wants to hook me up in April, send me an email!